Brittni's Final Days
The last few weeks Brittni was with us were very eventful weeks. You see, her Daddy had made a promise to her, she could have anything she wanted. Well, Daddy kept his promise and we were forever going to the store. She sent us out for lemon meringue pie, which she ate 1 little piece and gave the rest to her Daddy; she sent us out for candy corn, which she ate a few of and gave the rest to her brothers and sisters. She wanted t-bone steak - she got it. She wanted things that she knew others liked, just so she could give it to whomever she wanted.
Brittni knew it was her time to go
with God............................
2 weeks before her passing, Brittni's oxygen level dropped drastically and she
was whisked to the hospital in an ambulance. As she lay in the Emergency
Room on 10 liters of pure oxygen, she mustered up enough energy to whisper to
me, "I see Jesus". Hearing this from our 9 year old daughter brought tears
to my eyes as well as warmth to my heart. I asked her if she was afraid and she replied "No Mamma, I
Feel Warm Now". It was then that I first realized that He was
preparing her to join him. Her oxygen level started to rise and
after about 7 hours, she was home with us again. She was now on, not 1 but
2 oxygen concentrators bled together to administer 8 1/2 liters.
The next days were a
blur, like a dream...................................
We bought a baby monitor so we could hear her no matter where we were or what we
were doing. Brittni would call each one of us into her room, first one by
one, then in groups, then one by one, and back and forth. She talked with
each of us, making sure we loved her and assuring us that she loved us.
One day, she was curled up on the couch, clutching and using her big bear as her
pillow. She called me to her and asked if we were going to keep her ashes
as we did my Uncle. It was then that I knew it was appropriate to ask her
what her wishes were. I promised her that we would do whatever she wanted.
She came to the decision that she would be buried. She wanted to have a
resting place where we could visit her anytime we wanted. So Bill arranged
for him and I to meet with the Pastor of a local church for whom we do computer work.
We were to go make some funeral arrangements on Saturday, July 7th, 2001, at 9:00
am. On Friday, July 6th, 2001, Brittni was put on Morphine tablets.
A few days before was the first time she really complained of being in pain,
other than the pain that she had while she was coughing. We knew that once
she started on the Morphine, it wouldn't be long. We had this
explained to us by Brittni's doctor in Shreveport, Louisiana, as well as the Home
Health Care nurses. But she asked for something to make the pain go away,
and knowing how well she tolerated pain, we knew it was time to give her some
relief from it. It was a very hard decision to make and an even harder
thing for us to do, knowing what was soon to come.
She died and then came back for 24
hours of final goodbyes.........
Saturday July 7th, 2001, around 6:30 am., my Mom was getting ready to go home
after a long night and morning of sitting with Brittni (we took shifts).
While I was preparing to take over, she took Brittni to the bathroom.
Soon, I hear blood curdling screams, "We need more oxygen, we're losing
her....." I ran to see what was happening and I see my Mom cradling
Brittni in her arms and our precious little girl turning blue. I ran
through the house checking all the tubing (we had extensions so Brittni could
travel through the whole house). Everything looked fine, but I still hear
Mom saying "No more oxygen, we're losing her". On my third check of
tubing, I holler, in a desperate mothers tone, "No, My Baby, My Baby Girl".
Then I run to the bathroom and my Mom, with her head turned away from Brittni's
face, shaking and crying with all she's got, say's "We've lost her, she's gone".
Through my own shaking and tears, I lean over to kiss my baby girl goodbye.
As I lean down, I see Brittni draw a breath. This seemed odd, as Brittni
was totally blue, head to toe and her tiny little wrists were curled and stiff
(rigid). I tell Mom that she's
breathing and she tells me "She's gone, Melissa, let her go". I tell her to look,
she's breathing. Mom looks and says "Oh My God, She Is". We took
things from there and by mid afternoon, her levels were very well stabilized.
By 8:30 am., Brittni was stabilized enough that Bill and I made our 9:00 am.
meeting with the pastor. We took the cell phone so my Mom could reach us
if anything happened. By mid afternoon, Brittni had sat straight up in her
bed and said "Water". She didn't have the strength to even suck it through
a straw, so I used a syringe and fed it to her. She downed a 20cc syringe
of water in no time, and then said "More". We all looked at her and then
at each other in total awe. Just hours before, she was breathless, blue
and rigid. We all talked about it with such amazement. This is what
we had heard others talk about "that last sudden spurt of life". It was
such an amazing thing to watch, yet at the same time, heartbreaking, for we knew
it wouldn't last long.
We went and made all the necessary arrangements and then went to the cemetery, where we were to pick her resting place and headstone. We had never been to this cemetery before nor had we been told much about it other than that it is beautiful. When the lady took us outside to pick the spot where our precious baby girl was to rest, we all just walked, not one of us really saying a word. Bill and I were hand in hand, gripping the other tight. Just the thought of doing this was like a dream. Both of us knew that it was only a matter of hours that Brittni would be here on this earth, so we knew that what we were doing was being done just in time. We suddenly came to a complete stop and gripped each others hand even tighter. This was it....This was Her spot....... We looked at each other then looked at the kind lady showing us around and told her "Right here, this is it". She looked at us with tears in her eyes and said "A lot of people choose to be with the babies". We didn't know what she was talking about and asked her to explain. She told us that this was the infant section, that little babies that didn't make it long were placed in this particular section. Bill and I squeezed hands even tighter as tears welled up in our eyes even more. For this was truly the spot for our little angel, Brittni. You see, Brittni loved babies, she was such a "little mama". She took care of every little one she could, she took them under her wing every chance she got. So, there is where she rests. We picked out her headstone, which is pictured below.
A Mother's
Prayer................................................................
Saturday, there were many
visitors from family, friends and neighbors. Everything seemed to be
moving so fast, yet I felt "stuck" (that's the only way I know how to explain
it). Here is what I wrote in a journal that evening.
What a day, Brittni seems to be "stuck". I can't tell what's going on with
her or her mind anymore. All I can do is Hope that she is coming to Peace.
I find myself today, praying for a quick resolution - be it her end in this life
- or a miracle healing from God. Either way - just make the move now.
Me, well, my mind is "floaty". I have been walking around in circles
today, literally, my feet hurt. My heart goes out to that beautiful,
bright and loving young girl in the room across from me. Dear God, what it
must be like to be a child of 9 and have to go through this. I want my
baby girl back - the way she was, or better yet, Healed ! I know this
seems selfish, but I'm a mama, her mama. I find my mind drifting in so
many directions that I'm dizzy. I feel for Bill as well, For I know
he's hurting as much as me. What a man, he's being the "rock" for us all !
I have no doubt in my mind that he loves Brittni as his own and this is killing
him as it is me. I love him but wonder if I should have allowed him to be
a part of this all. Then I realize that it's not only ok, but it's just
what was supposed to be. If I wouldn't have allowed us all to become a
family - our little girl would have never gotten a chance to know a wonderfully
loving father - as she says - "My Daddy"
I'm tired, so tired, but afraid to go to sleep for fear of missing the last
moments I may have with her.
I pray every moment of every day ! God Bless All the children in this
world; heal them all with your Love !
Peace - Peace - Peace - Peace !!!!
A Vision Of Faith For
Mom...............................................
Saturday evening, I had to keep busy, so I stood at the sink and hand washed
dishes by hand, not even thinking that we have a dishwasher. There is a window
above our kitchen sink. I didn't often open the blind, even though there
is a nice view of the back yard and a field behind it. For some reason,
that evening, I opened the blind while doing the dishes. I looked out the
window and started praying. As I stood there staring in the field, I
suddenly saw Brittni, rather, more like, I don't know any other way to explain
it but, like an angel. It was like she was just gliding through the field
on air. She was running and laughing and I noticed that she was breathing
freely. I don't know how long I watched, but our son, Josh, came in and
asked me what I saw. He too sensed that something or someone was out
there. When I told him, he said that was the most beautiful thing he had
ever heard. He then asked me if that meant that Brittni would "come out of
her sickness and be healed". I told him that after what we all had
witnessed earlier that morning, I wouldn't put Anything past the Lord.
Then I told him that no matter what happened, I knew that she would no longer be
in pain and she was healed; whether she was to be with us or with Him, she
was to be free from her disease. I believe he understood what I was saying
and it helped him accept that his little sister was very soon to be with her
Lord In Heaven; making this a Vision Of Faith for Josh as well.
Her Final
Hours.................................................................
Saturday, my Mom stayed here all day and night, she too did not want to miss
those final moments. She had been a great big help with things and has a
knack for taking care of people till the end. She kept trying to get Bill
and I to get some rest, it was late in the evening. That was not something
that our hearts would let us do. We kept busy and sat with Brittni a lot.
Around 4:30 am., Bill decided to go to the hospital and exchange one of the
portable oxygen tanks for a full one. It was the only one we had that had a
regulator that administers up to 10 liters. He was being prepared. We had
already used that one that morning, so it was empty. After he left, I went
in Brittni's room for a few minutes, sat and talked to her and my Mom.
Then, I got into my night clothes and decided to lay in my bed and watch a movie
till Bill got back. That was the best I could do, try to relax watching a
movie, but not sleep. I put Armageddon into the VCR and tried to relax a
bit with the monitor right by my ear so I could hear if anything was going on
in Brittni's room. The last thing I remember before I actually dozed off,
was the part in the movie when the song "Don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith,
comes on. The verse goes: I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall
asleep, cause I'd miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing. This was
exactly the way I felt, I didn't want to fall asleep cause I didn't want to miss
Brittni's final moments and I felt I would as soon as I closed my eyes.
She Had To Have Permission
It was around 6:00 am.
when my Mom came in to our bedroom, knelt down beside me and whispered "Melissa,
her heart's giving out, it's time to say goodbye". I got right up and went into
her room to find Bill knelt at her bedside saying his goodbyes. I quietly
stood at the door so he could have his time with her. When he was through,
he got up so I could say my goodbyes (Mom had already said hers). I knelt
down at her bed, held her hand, stroked her hair and talked to her. I told
her it was ok to go and not to be afraid. I told her that I had her hand
in mine and to take His hand and to go play and run in the fields and
breath like she'd never breathed before. Bill, Mom and I watched the
heart/oxygen monitor, her rate was at 40 and her oxygen level was at 70.
Everything pretty much stayed the same. Then, out the blue, Bill says
"tell her about the babies". I tried hard to swallow the lump I felt in my
throat as tears started flowing more and more. I told her not to be
afraid, that she had babies to take care of and that we had chosen her resting
place to be with the babies. The very moment I stopped talking, we watched
our precious angel draw her last breath and the monitor flat lined. We all
let out a gasp and the tears were steady flowing. For me, there was also a
hint of relief along with the sadness, for I knew she was no longer suffering.
I had never seen Bill cry so much before. That little girl captured his
heart from the day he first saw her. He knew early on that she would have
him wrapped around her finger in no time at all. We woke the other
children and let them go in and say their goodbyes while we waited for the
Pastor, Home Health Nurse, and other officials to show up.
I will post more pages as we get
them done, as each of us get to the point where we can handle writing something
for all to read. One will be from Brittni's brother, Josh. He has asked to do a
special page from him then there will be more from other family members.
I will also be adding a page dedicated to all those who helped take care of
Brittni, for they were a big part of our daily lives and need to be commended
for their love, time, care and devotion to Brittni's medical, as well as
emotional needs.
For Now, God Bless All.
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